Note: This entry took me a week to write. I can’t get it much more coherent than this as I find it very hard to articulate. So I apologize if this blog post seems disjointed.
Those that have read this blog before will know that for the past few weeks I have been focusing on re-evaluating my path and my practice.
It was leaving me feeling less than empty, and getting to the point where I just couldn’t face approaching my altar at all. Praying to the gods would remind me of just how lacking my practice was and I was thus distancing myself from them further. The feeling of dissatisfaction and the need to change something has been brewing for a long time, but I simply suppressed it until it bubbled to the surface and overrode everything else. I was clinging to the things I knew and that I thought were right for me, but I have learned a lot in the past three years and my mind-set has completely evolved. My practice now has to evolve too, and move onto the next level.
These past few weeks I have simply stopped clinging to labels, practices and definitions laid down by others. I realised, that the gods never asked me to worship like this, or think like that. In fact, there are only a few major things in my practice that the gods have specifically asked of me (for example, observing miasma rules). Everything else is entirely free for me to evaluate and change. I am free to start from scratch.
I have always known what I needed to do, I just never slowed down long enough to truly realise that. Certain things have resonated with me from day one, but I’d always miss the mark or overshoot it completely when trying to change things. As cliché as it sounds, I have been looking inside of myself in order to truly bring my practices in harmony with my worldview and the rest of my life.
Now, I can work on translating that sense of wonder I feel when seeing how the gods manifest in this world, into my practice (one of my biggest issues was that I would be filled with inspiration and joy and my rigid structure meant I could never find a way to express it in worship). I see this as moving beyond 101 in a way. I can now build on ideas I have always had, and look deeper into my practice in a way I couldn’t beforehand. I have 3-4 years of basic practice from a solid tradition behind me to work with as a foundation. This has gifted me with a coherent and unfaltering worldview, relationships and bonds of kharis with gods, discipline, and basic ritual theory!
I am moving onwards and upwards, yet at the same time I am coming full circle and going back to the start. I enjoy writing here about what I do, and love being inspired by all of you!